I can’t help it; even when I get an email clearly marked ‘spam’, if it pops into my inbox and doesn’t go directly to junk, I open it. I don’t click on links – I’m curious but not stupid – but oh my, I love my weird emails. This one came in a few weeks ago. I will cut and paste it, verbatim:
someone told me I was drunk. I can tell you right now that I can still drive home because I’m drunk, not with alcohol, but with love for you. I have forwarded you an eCard to let you accept how I feel. take a look at your message Here and nothing could be done, so I went around to the back to see not survive this night. God keep you, dear, and God help me! unless you are near enough to see down. The houses of the old town–
I do not know who it was from, but I think I really, really like them. And while I can totally understand someone being drunk on their love for me (shut up; I know, I know, but delusional is the new black), it is the ‘houses of the old town’ that are keeping me glued. I am such a fan of random. This email is like a Jackson Pollock painting, whom I adore, because it too makes no sense unless your brain is already a little addled from something – booze, love, gas fumes.
I also keep getting emails in Arabic. I think they’re quite pretty, but of course I have no idea what they say. I open them, and the pretty letters are all upside down and the note is jammed over to the right hand side and starts at the bottom because everybody knows Arabic letters are like Australian drains, and go the opposite way of ours. After receiving about 6 mysterious emails, I finally dropped the content into Google translator, eager to hear if someone was drunk on their love for me, but in Arabic.
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I’m going to stop translating things.