Originally published July 2, 2005 Hamilton Spectator
Everyone always says there is no way to know when you’re ready to have kids. There is no test, no gauge, no alarm that goes off. Like most things in life, when you have the money you don’t have the time and when you have the time, you don’t have the money.
So I thought I’d invent a simple quiz to help narrow down the process.
1. When you hear a crying baby, you instinctively:
a. want to pick it up to calm it
b. run screaming from the room to drown it out
c. turn up your cell phone so you won’t miss a call
d. what crying baby?
2. People who use flash cards and educational music on their infants:
a. are giving their child a huge intellectual boost
b. are probably doing no harm
c. are stupid
d. what are flash cards?
3. If you glance out the window and see your two-year-old eating bugs, you:
a. grab the phone, dial 911 and run shrieking into the yard
b. pinch his cheeks until he spits it out
c. realize the grass needs cutting
d. do nothing. It’s your third kid
4. When planning your vacation:
a. you only considered Disney resorts
b. you resign yourself to driving, because of the expense
c. you desperately search for a place with 24 hour daycare
d. I have to bring my kids on vacation?
5. The proper place to anchor a child seat is:
a. in the rear centre seat
b. behind the driver’s seat
c. behind the passenger seat
d. a child seat won’t fit in my Miata
6. The best way to ensure you’ve bought the right size diapers is:
a. to tuck in two fingers at the waist
b. if the kid is purple, they’re too small
c. if the kid keeps having blow outs, they’re too big
d. diapers come in sizes?
7. The ‘six week after’ rule in childbirth usually refers to:
a. the safety zone for resuming marital relations
b. the first time you will get a shower
c. when your child has outgrown all the new baby clothes you bought
d. the cooling off period where you can give it back
8. It’s nice to name your child in a way that denotes some of their heritage. For this reason, you
name your child:
a. after his father
b. after both grandmothers
c. a name containing all ‘y’s’ where vowels should be
Mostly A’s: Show off. None of the other mommies are going to like you.
Mostly B’s: At least you’re honest, and your kid will be just fine.
Mostly C’s: There’s hope for you yet. But be ready for adjustments.
Mostly D’s: Welcome to my world. There are times in life you hit the ground running. And then there are times you just hit the ground.