A: Dear Widow,

You aren't going to like what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. This is just as bad as booze or drugs or gambling. Addiction to these games triggers the same response mechanisms in the brain that are the 'rush' factors for addicts. Any kind of addicts.

You have a man who is playing up to 48 hours a week - a week - on a computer game. Almost a third of his life is spent here. When the other two thirds are work and sleeping, what are you married to?

I know a lot about Warcraft. It is in my house. My sons play it. I hate it. We have had battles for 2 years now - battles that have entailed cut computer time, imposed Warcraft bannings, and me ripping my hair out. The thing is, I can still ban my kids from playing it. I can still yank their computers (I disconnect the keyboard). I can still be the parent.

But what do you do when it is your partner? First, call this what it is: an addiction. If he won't address this with you, go to Al-Anon or a similar support group. You will not be alone. They will help you understand that you are living with an addict, and when you hear and recognize the patterns of addiction ("I don't have a problem" "You're overreacting" "At least I don't do drugs" "I can quit whenever I want"), you will start to understand your next steps.

I'll be blunt: don't have kids with this guy. You will be a single mother. He will not trade his computer for a kid. I can almost guarantee it. And the world doesn't need another child who is ignored by a selfish parent.

You need more than me for this. You can't make him see addiction counselling as a good thing unless he wants it. He seems to have no inclination to quit, or believe anything is wrong. "I've obviously changed my mind" is not something you can build a solid marriage and family on. Please see a therapist for yourself, or find an Al-Anon meeting in your town. Google it or check your phone book.

You deserve more in life than someone who has disappeared into another world and abandoned you. Don't wait for children to come along and hobble your abilities to make decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life. You deserve better; I'm sure your husband does too, but you can't force someone to change who doesn't want to.

A: Dear Options,

We've lived this debate in my home for years now. And what I'm going to tell you is not in line with all the information being stuffed at you by the Powers That Be.

This causes young kids incredible stress. Suddenly getting to school every day, studying, hitting the mark, keeping fit and developing friendships isn't enough. Now they have to map out their entire lives. And I agree with you: People change so much, they're mapping out the lives of someone who they really don't know yet.

My oldest, Christopher, is doing a victory lap. If you're writing from within Ontario, you'll know they lopped off Grade 13 a few years back. It was to save money; but it has arguably caused many rifts for children heading off to university less mature and less prepared than ever before. Like your son, Christopher was all over the map interest-wise in grade 10. He too liked playing football and eating. We found that the restrictions on options (they have to take English, Math, history, geography, civics, careers and a few others) didn't leave many options each year, and while I wanted him to stay in French, he wanted phys ed or shop. If he'd had musical or artist talent, it would have further narrowed down his choices. Thank heavens those disciplines have eluded him.

He dumped French. He stuck with the basic math I insisted on, though it's one of his weaker subjects. He's a good writer with a gift for BS - wonder where he gets that from. In grade 10, he decided he wanted to pursue business. By grade 11, he was no longer sure. By grade 12, the stress was horrid, and I just looked at him and said "you can take another semester or year to figure this out". It was a release valve. He's back picking up some courses this year with his heart headed in a new direction - philosophy.

Statistics (I should link something here; they're everywhere, so Google away) indicate that something like more than 30% of first year university kids change their major after that first year. That tells me the figuring out they used to do in high school is now being done at university or college. Where it's conceivably costing tens of thousands of dollars. I know high school isn't free; but it's a hell of a lot cheaper for a kid to discover their direction there than in a huge, strange structure.

On a strictly observational level, I've found that girls seem more dialled in than boys at this point in their lives. Some of them need a little extra time. I think it's important that your son loves football. He's learning a lot there. He should probably start looking at a part time job this summer - I don't like students working endlessly, but a couple of shifts a week during the school year is good for self esteem, and exposure to the work world. (Taxes are a huge surprise to many.)

My youngest was probably even more stressed by the 'pick your life today' speech than his brother. The problem is that they throw all the options at all the kids all at once. He came home from that assembly thoroughly rattled. How did I step in?

We know our kids better than anyone. Can you picture him sitting behind a desk all day in a cubicle farm? Can you picture him speaking to large groups of people? Can you picture him with a job that has him travelling or on the road a lot? Does he like to work with his hands, is he artistic? Are sports his single biggest interest? Has he expressed curiosity in the work done by people you know, or by you? Rather than considering jobs, you need to be considering skills and interests. Many of them are transferable across many disciplines. A little imagination can open many doors.

Do a little research on your own. Look up predicted trends for long term work projections. With a rapidly aging population, many areas are going to see surges in required workers. Kids who prefer definite conclusions and precise answers might be thrilled to work with numbers and planning. Good math brain, but can't sit still for long? Lots of trades are going to be needing journeymen in the coming decades. Good critical thinker, likes a debate? Develop good communications skills - research and writing - and there are many fields (teacher, communications) that open up.

My youngest finally spit out that he wants to go into the trades. He's got a terrific mind for math, though the reading and writing has always been a struggle. He loves working with his hands, and our family is full of blue collar men (Grandpa was a bricklayer; his stepdad is a sheet metal journeyman). he watched his stepdad complete his apprenticeship, and knows what it takes. His high school has a two year program to get them started, and he applied and was accepted. I think it might have been the happiest day of his life when he walked in and showed me the acceptance. He'll take required science and math courses, and I've asked him to consider keeping his French. he grumbles; we'll duke it out later. His last two years of high school have a direction he is happy with. And you know what? If he changes his mind, that's fine with me.

We can only live each day as it comes. Talk to your son about his ups and downs, and let him know he's not alone. Most people have accepted that we will change jobs - and even careers - more and more. The days of 40 years with a company are over; let him know that's fine, and the best preparation is flexibility, curiosity and a belief in himself. I want my boys to be independent, productive and happy. If they can find their direction in school, great. If they need to look elsewhere, I'll support that decision too. The world's a big place - it's never a bad idea to see some of it before claiming your spot in it. Check out programs like Katimavik (http://www.katimavik.org/) in Canada.

Mostly? Let him know the school's framework is artificial. You should require him to work hard and keep an open mind, develop his interests and honour his obligations. Schools want students to succeed - they are there for guidance. But you know your son best. Encourage him to keep doors open, but none is slammed shut so tight it can't be hammered open with a semester of make up courses or some summer school. Your faith in him is probably the most important tool he has. After all that, I let my sons define their own programs.

And hey, I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up until I was 40.

A:Dear How Do You Know,

Interesting you should ask me this one. I know, I have two kids (18 & 15). But I never, ever imagined having kids growing up. I didn't want them. And it wasn't some dire family horror stories - I just pictured myself as a single lawyer with no kids. See how that worked out?

First, forget the horror stories. It serves no purpose, and people who do that should be smacked, if you ask me. You'd have to be living under a rock these days to not appreciate that yes, there can be complications with conceiving, delivering and raising a child. There can be complications crossing the street.

The fact you both are talking about this is good. Child as Leverage is never a good sign; both of you wanting the same thing is a wonderful way to approach this.

Practically speaking, when you have the time you don't have the money. And when you have the money, you don't have the time. That is the kid thing that trips most of us up. You are right to be considering this, medically speaking, at your age. Waiting until you're 40 can bring additional heartache as your body says 'what the hell are you doing? I was ready 20 years ago, and now I'm beat!'. Yes, women conceive and have children into their 40s. But the numbers work better in your favour at a younger age. Don't throw things at me. It's a fact.

So. You and your husband are solid. Having no debt and being settled in a home tells me you have similar values. This is probably the most important sign you can have a long and healthy relationship. How you handle and respect money is a big one. If you both agree, you're over a huge hurdle already. I'm glad you found each other. Truly. I wish more people would pay attention to this stuff.

Do you both work? Can you exist on one salary? Having a baby is one thing on paper, another in the execution. Talk about how you want to raise this little guppy. Can you afford one of you to take a break from their career arc if that's what you decide to do for a few years? Some women (and increasingly, more men) stay home with a child and are thrilled. Many find it suffocating. I had a company with my boys' father, and worked part time doing my work while they were young. We planned it that way; decide how much flexibility you have while the child is young.

When they start school, they get sick and you have to stay home with them. If one of you is a lawyer putting in 100+ hour weeks, something will have to give. If you have a job that gives you a lot of money but zero freedom, a rethink might be in order. When you have a child, you start to measure things other then by money.

Yes, you will be exhausted! I'm still exhausted! My kids nursed every two hours, around the clock, seemingly forever. Now, they just plow through 300 bucks worth of groceries a week. But it passes; every stage brings with it new joys, and new concerns. You're responsible for every moment of this little one's life; as they get more independent, you stress that you can't control every aspect any more. It's a learning curve for the child, and for you.

As for your in-laws: you can't know what's in any marriage unless you're one of the two people in it. I'm sorry your husband grew up in a miserable household. People stay together for many reasons, but obviously that 'for the kids' one can backfire. It sounds like your mom gave you a wonderful outlook, and great tools for being a responsible adult. All of these things work in your favour: you can go forward adopting the parts of your histories that were great, and correcting the ones that weren't. Your love and respect for one another will hold you in very good stead as parents.

You don't have to buy a child everything they want; you're better off not doing that, frankly. You don't have to outfit them in expensive clothes (they just barf on everything anyway). They don't need rep teams and 6 kinds of lessons to be happy. Two parents who love each other and are working in tandem to raise him is the best thing any kid could have. There will be challenges. I love my boys, and I happen to like them as well. But there are days...

It ain't all sunshine and roses. There are tears, and shouts, and worry. But watching them become independent of me is wonderful. You raise them with love and respect, you don't sweat the little things, and you trust your gut about their well-being. You talk to parents you see doing something right. You watch for warning signs, you advocate for your child while letting him fight his own battles, at every step. And you love them.

Sounds corny, and it can be. But if you love kids and want one, don't be scared. A stable loving home is the best gift you can give a child. Not money, not Baby Gap outfits, not private school. Love each other, pledge to support one another no matter what the future brings, and a child will test all this on a daily basis. If you're someone who can see the beauty in the small moments, and can get over spills on the new couch, and doing laundry in the middle of the night, go for it.

You can only live one day at a time. You only have to do it one day at a time.

A:Dear Conversation Starter,

Don't freak out. I mean it. Do not freak out.

He knows you found it. That fact is now hanging over his head like a guillotine. If he is close to his father, and the two of you are still a team for parenting, you need to first talk with Dad. If Dad is a freaker, wait until your son has returned home to you.

It may be little comfort, but your son is doing what most kids do. I was at a football game the other day, and was speaking with a bunch of other parents. Turns out my 15-year-old is one of only about 5 kids who aren't smoking dope in a particular class of his. And don't think that makes me jump up and down with joy; it means it's right there, totally accessible, and the numbers aren't in our favour. I've been talking about drugs and booze and sex with my boys since they were old enough to cringe and clap their hands over their ears. You need to be having this conversation on an ongoing basis.

What he may have thought was unthinkable a year ago - or even 2 months ago - can change in a heartbeat. It's a fluid discussion, not a one hit wonder where you check it off your list and move on. Involved parents - the kind who speak openly and honestly without freaking out - have the very best chance of assisting their kids in making good decisions. Note I didn't say keeping kids out of trouble; it's their job to get into trouble. It's our job to help them steer the ship when the water gets rough.

You need to see what's behind his decision. "Everyone's doing it" means he needs some coping tools for peer pressure. If it's deeper than that - if he's upset, troubled, confused, angry - I urge you to get him to a counsellor who specializes in teens. Respect the fact your son is becoming a complex individual, and there are aspects of him you do not know. That's hard to hear, but it's the truth. I pretty much play the 'my house, my rules' card, but I also respect my sons enough to consider their thoughts and respect their opinions. You need to listen to him as much as you need to talk to him.

Here's the thing: he's smoking drugs, and that's not acceptable in your home. He's blowing out brain cells he hasn't even acquired yet, and he's putting his own health and safety at risk. My biggest concern these days with pot (and most stuff) is that you don't know what's in it. It has higher concentrations of THC than it did when we were mucking about in high school. With a full blown recession on, drugs are cheaper. And they're everywhere. Parents who don't believe their kids can easily get their hands on anything are kidding themselves. But the thing is, you can't remove every temptation from your child; you have to give them the tools to decide how to handle it.

The fact he's involved in sports is a big deal. You can't be high and play well. When you choose to talk to him - and don't jump him when he walks in the door - stay very calm. Tell him you need to talk about what's going on. Tell him the discussion is not a choice, but how he handles it, is. He will be more forthcoming if you are calm. If you lash out, he'll get defensive and nothing will be accomplished.

"I found the bong. We need to talk," you'll say.
"No we don't. Leave me alone." I guarantee he will say.
"I love you too much to leave you alone. Siddown."

He needs clear boundaries in place, from you, and reinforced at his Dad's. Same rules. I'm hoping you and his Dad can work as a team. It's important. You don't want him smoking drugs, or cigarettes. It's not only habit forming and dangerous, it clouds judgment and can result in some really stupid decisions. Sober kids rarely kick over headstones, graffiti buildings, or throw fireworks at the police station. You don't want him drinking.

That said, you also want him to make sure he never compounds one bad decision with a second one. If he is unable to get home safely, he is to call you. Regardless of the time, the situation or the company. If he is in over his head, he is not to get into a car with anyone impaired, ever. He is to call. You will not yell at him. You will come and get him.

It will be discussed the next day. He will not be punished for doing what you have told him to do.

If a bad decision if followed by a smart one, you will work with him. He has to know you are on his side.

Peer pressure is immense. But remind him that he is a peer too, and playing sports and getting good grades are examples as well. "I've got a game tomorrow" is a great escape.

Because my father died with lungs full of asbestos, I am defiant about smoking. I told my sons when they were really young I would make them a deal. If they reached their 20th birthday and hadn't smoked (anything), I would give them $1,000. Cash. We are not rich. Not even close. I have a nose like a bloodhound, and they know it. If I smell smoke (or find pot or smokes), thousand bucks, gone. But it got better. My sister said she'd join in. So did my other sister. And their Dad. All told, each kid stands to get $3,000 on their 20th birthday, no strings. It is a flat out bribe. But when one of their friends offers them something, they laugh and say no way are they jeopardizing 3 grand. They can blame me.

I've also told my sons if they are picked up by the police and tossed in jail, they will stay there until morning. They know the house rules, they know society's rules, and they know if they follow someone else into trouble, they are being stupid. And stupid costs.

It sounds like you have a great kid. Tell him the trust you have in him is very important to you, and you don't want it compromised. But if his behaviour forces you to, you will yank your trust. And rebuilding takes an awful long time.

Meet this head on, calmly. Don't read more into it than there is, and don't transfer your own baggage onto it. Be honest about your concerns as well as your expectations. You don't pound a gnat with a hammer, but you also don't leave him to struggle on his own. As a parent, you guide him, but ultimately he will be responsible for his own decisions.

Just tell him he has an ally in making those decisions.

Best of luck. There are a lot of us dealing with the same things.

A:Dear Not a Nag,

See how I did that? I already validated your concerns. Which is what your husband should have done. Fortunately for you, I am fluently bilingual. I speak English and Guy. I can also swear in German, but that doesn't matter right now.

Men and women are wired differently. That's not a bad thing in a lot of ways, but when it comes to words, more fights start - and are prolonged - and it's usually so avoidable. We talk the way we dress; men put on a pair of pants and shirt and say 'ready'. Women try on that dress, these pants, iron that blouse, go looking for the right bra, dig through the closet for different shoes, swear when the skirt won't fit and hold up 6 different earrings. And then say 'I'm not sure. What do you think?'

Most men say something once and presume that should do it. Many women (and I am one of them) say something as if I'm trying on a dozen different outfits. And I expect the man I'm saying it to to hear each rendition, reply back and make a thing called a conversation. Men have their finger poised over the mute button wondering if they can unleash the grunting from UFC and not piss you off.

I would love to tell your husband he's a lucky guy. Your questions were based on fear for his personal safety, not jealousy wondering if he was in another's bed. In which case he should then be worried for his personal safety.

Here's the thing: he always calls. And he always calls because it's important to him that you care enough to be waiting for his call. It's nice to be cared for, and he likes it.

The other night, he forgot to call. One night. I dunno why. Maybe someone stuck their head in his office or workspace and they debated whether the Coyotes are coming to Hamilton or not. Maybe when he shut down his computer, it choked and he had to spend an extra 5 minutes rebooting it first. Maybe he got all the way down and realized he'd forgotten his keys and had to go back up. We do things by rote. And when the things we do automatically get derailed, even by something small, the repercussions go down the line. Ever forget to set the alarm? It's like that morning. You need to keep in perspective this is a *single* time.

I think your husband doesn't fight well because he doesn't like to fight. He's probably a champion at not confronting people, which is probably why he's a nice guy. He doesn't punch random people in the supermarket or tell your mother she's a bitch. This is a nice quality in a husband.

But he's married now, and you are going to have to set up some boundaries where both of you can safely express concern, or hurt, or simply have a difference of opinion. It's okay. It's healthy. Tell him if he would prefer you only say something once, that all he has to do is respond. Tell him girl-hearing makes up things when it's not filled with a response.

You: "Can you put the load into the dryer for me, please?"
Him: "Give me a minute, but I'll change the load, no problem."

Men will file away the request, intending to do it, but not verbally respond. When they ignore us, we try on a different version.

"Did you flip the laundry?"
"Did you do the dryer yet?"
"Didn't you hear me ask you to switch loads?"
"Do I have to do everything around here?"

Men: It's like Nike, guys. Just Do It. Acknowledge what we said, and we'll shut up. And if we start babbling about that slut at work, be glad we have friends to call so you don't have to hear it.

Still Men: If you've screwed up or forgotten something, just say so. "I meant to call, sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." At which point, ladies, drop it. There is nothing weak in admitting you've forgotten something or screwed up, Accepting responsibility for yourself is underrated, but one of the most appealing traits in a person of either gender.

If this doesn't help, call me back and I'll teach you how to swear in German.

A:Dear Annie,

The good news is that you have a son who can talk to you. The bad news is, like many of us, you weren't asking the right questions.

Call me cynical, but I figure any time a boy and a girl are alone together, they're probably doing something they wouldn't do in front of their parents. Heck, any time any gender of teens are together, that's probably true. And I adore my kids, and generally enjoy most teenagers as company immensely.

But we need to talk plainly about sex, birth control, drugs, and booze before they're faced with it. Years before. And unlike many 'experts', I refuse to vilify male teens as overly aggressive; in a relationship without a huge age disparity, the girls are just as likely, if not more, to expedite sexual behaviour. It would do a lot of mothers good to remember, honestly, how 14 and 15 felt, and the importance that boys and relationships played in our lives.

Back to your dilemma: I'll be honest. This isn't about whether he can see her any more or not, or whether you support this relationship anymore. This is about whether or not the girl is pregnant. All discussion stems from this. A teenage girl being 'late' getting her period is pretty normal. If she hasn't had her period by the time you read this, she needs to take a pregnancy test or see her doctor.

If she is pregnant, and she decides to keep the baby, your son is responsible for that child. If she is pregnant, and she decides to terminate the pregnancy, or give the child up for adoption, your son's actions have produced results that will have a lifelong impact on both himself, and this girl. These are all pretty heavy duty concerns.

Your next steps must be taken carefully, but they must be taken. Tell your son the biggest concern right this second is her health. I also have concerns for your son's health. If she's had multiple partners, and doesn't use protection (by the way, 'we did it once without a condom' - total BS. They haven't been using condoms. Sorry.), he also needs to see a doctor for a full STD screening. There are several STDs running rampant, especially among teens, and your son needs to see his doctor.

I'm sitting here debating about talking to her mother. Part of me is imagining your son's meltdown if you do that, but a larger part of me is considering that IF this is just a scare, but her mother finally realizes what her daughter has been up to, this young girl can be put promptly on a path to better medical considerations about being sexual active (yearly paps, how to avoid unwanted pregnancy, how to protect against STDs). I can make a thousand assumptions about why a girl of 14 (or younger) is sexually active, but many would be useless and many would be wrong. We see children; biology sees sexual beings.

This girl has spent time in your home. You know her. I would call her. I would say "Honey, we have a very big issue here, and we need to start making some decisions. I will come out there to take you to a doctor's appointment, but I would prefer you had a talk with your mother. Tell me which option you would like to choose."

Anyone can buy a home pregnancy test. You could know by the end of the day the answer to the question which drives the rest of this conversation. I'd make that call. I'd give her the option to talk to her mother before you do, but I'd only let her have it for the day. Time is an essential part of this equation.

Now, a side note to you, Mom. Do not blow up. Blow up later, if you like, but not now. Do not judge this girl's mother - your son isn't dating her. I didn't think you were a permissive mother for a second reading your letter. Your qualifier wasn't necessary. We all do the best we can under the circumstances and we all screw up. We also produce some amazing kids, and many of them become amazing because of how they recover from their mistakes. See? It's not that they don't make them - it's how they fix them.

You might end up being the only calm person in the room if this thing goes sideways. But be that person. If, if, if this girl is pregnant, she's carrying your grandchild. Oh, and these 'biological sexual beings'? They revert right back to being children when they get scared. And this is scaring them. Badly.

Emotionally, your son is going to need considerations as well. A pregnancy scare is enough to bust up most young teenage couples. And providing it's proven to be a scare, hopefully all will learn something and go forward better prepared. But if she is pregnant, regardless of whether they're a couple or not, he has responsibilities. Because of his age, those become your responsibilities, too.

Your son brought you this problem because he needs your help. He's not going to like all the ways you go about solving it, but remember that he brought it to you so you could use your wider experience and wisdom to solve it. Don't blame this girl; the two of them are in this together. He's trying to be kind (which is a nice reflection of how he was raised, don't you think?), and you need to allow him that.

Now, it's time to insert yourself into this problem as calmly, and as sanely, as possible.

It's not the end of the world; it only seems that way.

Best of luck.

A:Dear Firefighter/Writer,

I fell into it bass-ackward, was my late mother would have said. I started writing 5 years ago with my Motherlode column, and happened into a time when the Hamilton Spectator was undergoing a redesign and a spot for my brand of Lorraineness opened up. As I was contemplating getting fired from yet another office job (After Divorce is a gross time), I realized if I didn't write now, I never would.

These days, it usually happens that way; tried and true ways are out the window as the writing world struggles to redesign itself, and the internet rips the carpet out from under all of us. It used to be Journalism School was the only way in. It used to be Journalism School was nearly a guarantee of a way in. All that has changed as papers and magazines compete against a tidal change of, well, change.

I won't go into the whole story - to include it all takes about an hour of talk time in a seminar or workshop. Of course, I fluff up the humour and downplay the tears - wouldn't want to discourage anyone. But the truth is, it takes a great deal of creativity and promotion outside of your writing. You reinvent yourself as the craft reinvents itself.

Start paying attention to trends and demographics; who would make money off of your words? You have to think outside of how you would make a buck, and realize others will only entertain publishing you if they can make money off of you. In this way, you must think like a business, not an artist.

Venture into other forums that can give you feedback. Play in Open Salon, on Salon's website. There is some good writing there, and getting bashed a little can be very informative. There's a range of talent; good to know who's on the field. There are other forums, but many, many of them are really huge and totally bruising. Be warned: opening yourself on the internet is tough, tough, tough. Be prepared to start working on the rhino hide you will need to write in public. It's easier to stand in front of room full of people naked. Or so I've been told.

And the best advice in the world? Write, write, write. And read, read, read. The best writers I know are voracious readers. And learn to write to deadlines by creating some for yourself, either in a blog or something like OS. Learn discipline; writing requires huge amounts of discipline. I write the same time every day, every day of the week. If you don't have the structure to work at home, you won't have the discipline to write to deadline.

Don't quit your day job - most writers I know do other stuff. Find critics outside of friends and family who will be ruthless with you. Learn to edit yourself, never fall in love with anything you've written, and practice writing shorter. People are loathe to read over 500 words these days - use that as your boundary.

And thanks for the motorcycle licence encouragement. Dunno if it's going to happen, but that's an example of living outside my comfort zone, to have things to write about.

Good luck!

A:Dear Suspicious,

Well, you already are. And who knows this guy better than you do?

While I'm guessing this letter is being flown by me to test my BS radar, the topic is relevant enough that I'm going to bite anyway. The Internet makes the original Wild West look like a garden party.

I have several hard and fast observations. One of them is that if you snoop, you will eventually find something you don't like. So, don't snoop. The problem is that for much of the population, snooping is hardwired, like picking at scabs. Or peeling sunburn. Or clicking the drop-down on 'history'. Or opening up someone else's mail. Hell, you pretty much invite pain doing any of that. And you do so knowingly.

Facebook is just this great, big, retarded time warp. And I mean that literally. Nearly everyone playing on there believes they are sitting on their 18-year-old butts, using eyes that don't need bifocals, and typing with fingers that aren't wearing wedding rings. It's kind of fun to be fabulous when you don't even have to take a shower or brush your teeth to get ready.

I don't believe people in a relationship ever know everything about each other. I don't believe they necessarily should. It's not about lying or mystery, it's about things that are relevant to your commitment to each other. It's also a reflection on our screwed up culture that keeps insisting that happy marriages feature people wearing matching Christmas sweaters, toasting the camera with umbrella-laden drinks on some cruise, and choosing the new drapes for the bedroom together.

So, I'd ask myself this: Is your philanderer - let's call him Phil - respectful of you? Do you spend time together? Does he have lots of unexplained absences, middle of the night phone calls, or lost weekends sucked into the computer? Is he hiding his Visa bill? Is Phil suddenly getting vague about future vacation plans with you? Did he forget your birthday? Has he stopped sleeping with you, or is he now going at it double time? (Yes, this is a sign. Horny people will boff anyone - even the person they're married to.)

Is he distracted? Is he snapping down the computer screen the instant you walk in the room? Is he being short tempered with the kids? Has he changed? Be very aware of another thing sometimes overlooked: if you're married to someone with an addictive personality - if they've battled booze, drugs, gambling etc - the internet mimics the process. Trade out the word 'computer' for 'beer' or 'slot machine', and read the signals again.

Facebook, and similar networking sites, have destroyed tons of relationships. Probably more then they have created. But I still believe some things are a cause, and some things are a catalyst. If you're running around a room that's in flames, you hardly stop to read the name on the door that opens to let you out. If you've slumped in your own dedication to the relationship, remember that nature abhors a vacuum, and that space will be filled. That space where you don't sit down to eat together anymore. That space where you stopped going to movies. That space where you don't see friends, hold hands, or talk about anything except the kids.

Phil may be a total jerk, reliving his dating years and hauling your marriage down in the muck. But there are plenty of people who remain happily married, and for whom internet sites remain recreational and educational. If someone is calling Phil out to play, and he's going, you need to grab your marriage around the throat and find a counsellor to referee.

As for spyware and dummy bait accounts, by the time you resort to this, you already know the answer. You're only looking for confirmation. Please try a counsellor; if Phil refuses, stick a fork in it and call a lawyer.

A:Dear In-laws, Out-laws,

Well, let me just say I think you're a frickin' angel letting that many people descend on you for a week. I'm afraid I'd be making hotel reservations quicker than you could say "Honey, start the car."

You already know this is your husband's problem. Right? Don't you? Let me tell you why. Men have a habit of marrying women who are very much like their mothers. Don't yell at me - let me explain. His mother is strong-willed, dominant, used to getting her own way. Her belief that she uses this power for good let's her sleep well at night. Now, does 'strong-willed, dominant and used to getting her own way' describe anyone else you know? You.

Put two queens in the hive, and watch the fun begin. If you were in her home, I'd tell you to suck it up. But this is your home, and she's your guest. Your husband is a grown man who can't be 'made' to do anything he doesn't want to. And if he truly believes that it's easier to give in than fight, ask him to add up how many additional hardships have been lobbed onto him during each of these visits. People push because they can.

Want my list?

1. There is absolutely no reason that you should be cooking for ten people on your own. Delegate chores at each meal, and tell them to get off their asses and help you. Don't choose now to decide you're the only one who can do it right. Good enough is good enough, and anyone can make a salad. Keep meals simple, ask others what they'd like to prepare - make a big deal of someone's World Famous Somethings, and ask them to make them. Kids can clear dishes. And it's a chance for them not to turn out as bad as Uncle Mama's Boy.

2. A 31-year-old man is a man, regardless the fact his mommy washes his underwear. Oh, and ewwwww. Just, ewwwwww. Tell your husband to haul his brother aside as soon as they arrive, and make it clear they are equals. Hand him the TTC schedule. Surely he's acquired enough education to read it. This is between your husband and his brother. Tell the brother being a mama's boy is a sure-fire way to never, ever have sex. Ever.

3. You can't lock your bedroom door. If she's not stealing anything, lock up your porn and anything you'd rather she didn't find, and wait out the week. Or, plant all kinds of terrifying sex toys in your drawer, and cure her once and for all.

4. You're stuck with your father-in-law and his odd arranging habits. It ain't fatal, it's annoying. We're choosing battles here, and it's easier to get a step stool. Think of it this way: he's found something to do, and you don't have to take him to Niagara Falls and the CN Tower, it's cheaper and easier.

I'm telling you to navigate up the middle here. Tell your husband he has to take the lead. Remind him his mother isn't half so scary as he thinks (really, we all think we are, but we're not. The threat of losing our precious boys will yank all but the worst of us into line, pronto), and that the two of you are a united front. She is dividing and conquering, but ultimately, she needs to be told that it will cost her her son, not keep him closer.

You understand this woman more than you realize. You are fighting fire with fire, and that gets you nowhere. Recognize that you probably share many of the same traits (no, really), and that your husband likes strong women. This is a good thing. Don't contradict your husband in front of his mother. She's scores a point when you do this. If he hasn't got the balls to say he's not doing something, then so be it. His problem.

You sound very able to be gracious. The 'prize' here is your husband, with everyone jockeying for his time and attention. You've already won. You're just renting him out for a week.

And just wait until that brother gets married. Then you can sit back and really enjoy this show.

A:Dear Stuck,

Oh, my. First, I'm hoping your health is recovered soon. So much on your plate, I'm so sorry.

I actually waited to talk to my son about your predicament, so I didn't just go flying off down a mommy tangent with my advice. He agreed with me. Your family needs to be together. Having cousins in place makes a new school less daunting, and being with your mom and dad day -to- day is more reassuring. Even if you're all going through tough times, you need to go through them together. Distance can lend itself to imaginings that are worse than the reality.

There is a ton of pressure on kids in grade 12. I'll be honest - I don't think an extra year, the so-called Victory Lap, is such a bad idea for a lot of kids. If your eldest is experiencing too much pressure, let him know there's a release valve - he can make it up when things have settled down a bit. Give him an out - I'm sure both boys are frantically worried about you. And trying not to show it. But a family unit is stronger than scattered pieces - and you all need now more than ever not to be scattered. What their aunt and uncle have given them is wonderful - but they want and need you.

Can you rent out your home in Ottawa? I know it's disruptive, but there are realtors who specialize in leasing, and it might be a better stop-gap than selling, both in this market, and until you know where your husband will be working. Home is where your family is. There are houses, but a home is where your family lives. Your home can be anywhere.

Talk to the boys. Let them know the priority list. That your relationship with them is first and foremost, recovering your health and getting things back on a financial even keel follow next. People will yell at me here and say your health is first; but I'm a mother, and that's just not how it works.You would ignore me if I said put your health first. I know you would. I'd ignore me too.

By reassuring them, you will reassure yourself. And a sense of hope will make you all stronger. It sounds like you have some wonderful support systems in place, which is a blessing. You must have done many kindnesses yourself. You will rise above all of this. I just think your kids need to do it with you.

Take good care.